August 13th, 2005
|11:59 pm - at first light i'm gonna drive a car into a delightful bar brawl. then i will go shopping. then i wi|
(i have broken my rule, and all but destroyed an entry.)
Current Music: Old Crow Medicine Show - CC Rider
August 11th, 2005
|07:49 pm - a mild mistake|
so... the internet here was down for a just a little. more or less simultaneously, and for a great deal longer, i was thinking maybe i'd let this page end at the posting of the story, which seemed--still seems--an appropriate stopping place, a reasonable culmination of slightly bent impulses that'd been stewing and led to this page in the first place. i am still considering this. except now i'm typing this, maybe posting it, so that sorta ruins that. lately, at work, i have decided that the skill i have been developing this summer is not talking. thus, not much to say. still, i'm switching to a new job in a few weeks, so maybe it's time i get the word gears turning again. in all their failed glory.
but i also think i will consider it a mistake to not end it at the story. that would be the right place to stop. oh well! onward.
i will consult the cards, maybe? nah, don't need them for this. i'm going to do it anyway, right? right.
at least i'll have another beer. the house is empty tonight except for me and the cat. (the cat is in a foul and jittery mood.) i kinda wish i could think of something worthwhile to do with my time; or something that would make me feel a bit more here. i am often tired. once work is done i feel best suited for turning off. sleep, when i am not asked to do or appreciate or care about anything is (upsettingly) lately the ideal state of being. though the leaves are very pretty outside my window. it's been raining today.
there're books to read, tapes to catalog, still hafta finish revising that thing, maybe a movie to watch...... failing all that, i could just turn on the TV; Monty Ptyhon's on. but.
nah. well, maybe. we'll see. i am not especially gloomy feeling, all things considered, but i am not especially invested in anything, either. though there are glimmers of not-not-caring, and those are something.
i am going to try to get back into the livejournal groove. this will include checking email, etc. but not just now methinks.. for i am mostly turned off.
July 20th, 2005
i admit, things have been funky, and not in that groovy way. but there's this. i guess, all unrefined, and thus unfinished, not to mention pointless and silly. still. for whatever reason. there it is.
now, i'm gonna go get stoned. maybe watch cartoons. or play a video game. or play a video game while watching cartoons.
July 18th, 2005
it's raining. i'm very happy about that. it's felt like it needed to for some time now.
July 14th, 2005
pleasant show last night. dragged some obliging people along. bought a CD. had a minor crush on one of the band members. this was made all the more embarrassing by the fact that i'd been ogling her sidelong all through the first band whilst she sat rightwards at the bar, before i knew she was in the band that i'd come wanting to see. then she was the one selling CDs. this was, of course, awkward, from my end, in my head. i hate these mini-crushes. i cannot reconcile the desire with the obvious reality, and so i am left feeling... oh, you know the feeling. it's been well documented.
but then i got to thinking about my valueless values, and how i have come to them. because i said something, sorta offhanded about this, and found i couldn't articulate the idea well enough.
i remember first finding Carl Sagan and Reason unsatisfying tools in late high school. i had already connected Reason with Progress. on some level i think i connected Progress with Ankeny and West Des Moines and all those weird car rides as a child.
yadda. and so....
never mind! i just typed everything i intended to say about values and thus hopes and thus regrets in a comment. semi-accidentally this happened. and i don't feel like rephrasing it, that itch has been scratched.
& fuck you Tipton! we'll meet again in hell. well, we need windmills, don't we?
Current Music: Smashing Pumpkins - We Only Come Out At Night
July 11th, 2005
so...... work. um. thought i had something to type, but it turns out, no.
nope. no. never mind.
work tomorrow too.
that's fine. i got out of working the midnight sale.
and i've got some lovely new music. funny how things people do and make can work themselves into your brain, sometimes. but only sometimes.
going to a show tomorrow, one way or another. i really want to go to a show. i have decreed to myself. this one's as good as any.
July 8th, 2005
oh, &, this weekend,
i have often been comforted by insignificance and paranoia. this goes back at least to science fiction movies. Terminator II, but also Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the remake of Invaders from Mars-- also, Flowers in the Attic, which was not science fiction. i'm not sure what it is. gothic? all these stories about parents or parent-lookalikes that destroy the child.
thinking about this because, as per our family tradition, we saw a movie this Forth of July, we saw War of the Worlds, because this was something we could all find some common ground with.
parental paranoia. because there's for the past decade or so been something awkward with me and my parents when we go out, and maybe it goes back to those movies and related phobias and experiences, or maybe not. but stepping out of a movie theater is always very quiet, nobody knows quite what to say, or how to say it, or something. is this my fault? also supper. supper's awkward without TV, sometimes even with. with all three of us. or.. the dynamics puzzle me.
but there were mostly harmless and quite pretty explosions the 3rd, and other enjoyable things. many shadowy people to observe. and less shadowy.
i will not click. instead, bedwards!
Current Music: Ray Charles - I Can't Stop Loving You
i wonder. London. the fear of the terrorist is fear of a man-guided car accident, or something more cinematic. movie explosions in real life. limbs instead of flailing silhouettes. no, just death, circumstance and situation. anybody else read the 9/11 Onion piece? yeah. anyway. random unlikely explosions are still better than some options. random unlikely car wrecks are easier to face than certain other certain fates. no... no, bah, no matter. it all ends up in the same place! this is my hopeful thought for the day.
i am currently awaiting two packages. one is in Brooklyn, apparently, and the other Sparks, NV. (that one, my computer says, started in Commerce City, CO.)
i ought get towards bed.
(three paragraphs in a row starting with 'i'.)
i wanna go to this show next Tuesday. i work Weds. i will not let this stop me.
i am saying no, with resolution, to clicking.
(but) i am nonetheless leaving internet land soon.
Current Music: The Clash - Safe European Home
June 30th, 2005
i really ought to not click on things i know i shouldn't click on. well. happily, i didn't go too far with it.
not tonight, anyway.. eeeeesh. now the dangerous possibility will hang.
but i will reject it! for, i am not such a masochist. even i have limits. i do not need to read those words. they would be the Necronomicon of my young emotional life.
Bono's on Charlie Rose. he was also in that Charles Bukowski movie. Charlie to Charles.
|12:22 am - redeem July|
my mood was low today, no reason, much, lately it's been slipping that way. but i don't work tomorrow, so things are good enough. been applying for new jobs elsewhere. met with no obvious success yet. and obvious success is the most immediately useful. been reading this book. i've always been susceptible to speech rhythms. also, weed, not very much, but enough, for the first time in some time. (very bricky, very cheap, but beggars, you know, also i think it was a gift, this little amount, so... this causes angst-- i am smoking Cartman's gift.) even so, better than the legal vices, i swear. my general bad mood, the now cyclically predictable thing, feels a bit more cheerful than it has as of lately. being stalled isn't so bad with something to make the time pass more kindly. not that my time is unkind, exactly.
okay okay, who cares.
i got really mad at the "Iowa Living" section of the "Des Moines Register" today. Mom said to me, where you got all mad, i just felt like crying. i prefer the crying to the anger. i really do. it's a lot more useful. but.
watching Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, sorta, now. not very well. but i don't think it expects to be watched very well, the first time, at the very least.
i think, i can't post in this thing if i'm not at least drunkish. like, liquid courage, they say, and they're right.
the nights i have been drunk, lately, i was in public, with people, and that was far more satisfying and useful for the interaction-urge than the internet. but, tonight, as the Des Moines-y schwag begins to run out, as work & death & activity become increasingly scary, booze again seems like a very plausible alternative. "demon rum," yeah. for now. "but i had to do it drunk"!
Current Music: Leonard Cohen - That Don't Make It Junk